was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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