The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
