I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
