The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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