I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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