I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
