I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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