I will die if light touches me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
