Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She bit a glass in half.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
