on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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