can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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