I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize