you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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