Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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