I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
