I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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