I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
