just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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