im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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