my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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