you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
