Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
