Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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