So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize