I skipped work to stalk him.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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