sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
