what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
