I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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