I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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