Plan B is the new Plan A
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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