It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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