how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
