I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
