the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
