For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
