i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
