Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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