when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
