I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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