sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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