Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that's an acceptable place to lick
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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