If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
