I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
