and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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