For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
