after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
