Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
this will be a night to untag.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It was a blind-side dick pic.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize