Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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