Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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