their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
