listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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