Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
