did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm jealous of your bromance
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
