my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
