shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
