guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
