update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
