Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I can text with my tongue
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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